QUICK POP IN FROM BED...

Just quickly popping in to say that I have asthmatic bronchitis which is why I have not been around much over the past week.

I have so much I want to share but that will have to wait till I can actually string a sentence together...

DIAGNOSING LISA.....

I was not sure how much about my recent health issues I was going to share in this space but……who am I kidding I share just about everything here.  Also by sharing it provides me with an opportunity to work through my own thoughts and feelings on the matter and also puts me in a position to ask for prayers.

So as some of you may or may not know I was diagnosed with asthma 6 years ago almost 7. It happened suddenly…..friends and I were driving back from a weekend away on a beautiful Sunday and when we stopped for lunch I realised that my throat had a tickle and I was feeling a little sluggish.  By the time we reached home I was running a bit of a fever and went to lie down.  I woke up in the emergency room of the local hospital. I was admitted with bronchitis and sever infection.  I was discharged 3 days later but was admitted 2 days later with pneumonia. I was once again discharged only to be admitted a couple of days later.  This time the diagnoses was asthmatic bronchitis with sever bronchial infection.  This time when I was discharged I was a lot better.  I saw my GP a couple of days later and he recommended I see a Pulmonologist (lung specialist) to see if there was any damage to my lungs.

I saw the specialist and it turned out that I had kept the asthma.  I was placed on meds and went on my merry way.  For about three years things went fine.  I had the occasional asthmatic episode but they were few and far between. I was able to live a normal life without much thought to my asthma other than the fact that I always carried a pump with me.  Then the winter of 2009 struck and I had a similar experience where I was in and out of hospital over a period of a month with respiratory infections. In the end my asthma meds were adjusted and I was to return to my normal life……yeah that so did not happen!!!

I started getting upper respiratory infections and bronchitis every three months or so.  I would lose my voice and I would battle with my breathing. Every time I saw the doctor he would adjust my meds, put my on antibiotics and a “mean cocktail” of cortisone, steroids and adrenalin.  With time the “mean cocktail” became part of my treatment plan and with that all kinds of side effects.  The weight gain was interesting.  I had always been what most would call petite but as time passed and the kilo’s piled on petite because plus sized!!!  If that was the worst of it well I guess I could learn to live with it but the dry skin all year round, the constant “dry” eyes and my hair falling out was difficult to deal with.  I cream myself from head to toe every morning and every night.  My dad used to tease me saying that I am so slippery from all the lotion I put on that I slip out of bed.  My nails would split down the middle and my heels and elbows were like sandpaper.  I spent an additional hour every day just dealing with the side effects of the medication. 

Over the past 18 months my health has declined rapidly.  I felt like I was sick every month and I was starting to worry about my output at work because I felt so yucky all the time.  It was during this time that my pulmonologist immigrated to Canada leaving me doctor-less. I tried to get in with other specialists but between the costs and the difficulty in securing an appointment I just gave up (EPIC FAIL!!) and just started seeing my GP.  Every time I got sick we would adjust my meds and we adopted a wait and see attitude.

From about August last year I started to notice that I was using my “in case of emergency” pump more and more during the day. If I had done any form of exercise I would have an asthmatic event and I was constantly feeling flu-ish. Now although this was all going on I was not as in tune to it as perhaps I should have been but it was during this time that my dad’s health started to deteriorate. I was not sleeping or eating much and there was no real routine.  There were days that I would only take my morning meds at 10:00 and sometimes not have time to take my evening meds.  Everyone was on at me about taking care of my immune system and sleeping more, drinking more water and eating correctly.  Well in a perfect world I would have done all that but although I did not realise it at the time my dad was in the final stretch of his race here on earth and I was in his corner every step of the way.  I was not taking good care of myself because I had chosen to put my dad and his needs first. A decision I will never regret regardless of the consequences to myself.

However, having said all that.  When the dust started to settle after my dad passed away I started to notice things.  My hair was falling out in clumps not only when I brushed it or washed it but just in general I would find hundreds of hairs on my clothes or pillow.  My skin was giving me a lot of problems….I have never had a bad skin (except for the monthly “red snapper” pimple) but now my skin was spotty and so dry.  I went to see someone about changing my skin products to see if perhaps I was now needing a product suited towards a more mature skin (Huh) but when they did a test on my skin she said that I was using the correct products but my skin seemed “unhealthy”.  She gave me something to use and that was that.  When I went for mani’s the technician told me my nails were very brittle so much so that she had to limit the about of buffing she did on them. I was also developing some odd tummy issues…..I will spare you the details. In addition to all this I was constantly sick.  At first I thought it was hay fever and changing of the season type stuff but I just never seemed to get over it and what did the doctor do….gave me more meds!!!

In February our CEO landed up in hospital with a respiratory issue.  He was treated by a specialist and was very happy with the service and treatment he received.  Now being a CEO he has the resources to literally seek treatment anywhere in the world.  In addition he is a doctor himself so he would not put up with less than the best.  To my mind that was “proof” enough that perhaps this was a doctor I needed to try and see.  There was another major plus point and that was that this pulmonologist is situated about 3km’s from my home.  What you have to bear in mind is that pulmonologists do not grow on trees and the vast majority of them are situated in Johannesburg.  For a normal check-up that would not be a problem but what if I have an asthmatic episode which requires immediate treatment or hospitalisation.  Am I going to be rushed off to Johannesburg…..how would my family support me from there.  It just did not work for me.  I contacted the pulmonologist but he was not taking in new patients.  I put my name on the waiting list and prayed for the best.

In the meantime I went off to Egypt and with the exception of the Mt Sinai climb my breathing was the best it had been in months.  I was also not suffering from the hay fever and had stopped taking medication.  Then I came home (see I need travel….for health reasons!!!).  And from 28 March 2013 to today I have been consistently sick.  I have had flu symptoms and have had little to no voice (my family was not really complaining about that).  My energy levels have been very low and I felt tired all the time.  The worst part to me was that I felt like I had a sumo wrestler  sitting on my chest. 

I felt so pathetic and so desperate and if I am honest I do think that there was a little depression lurking. I have been feeling like the most unproductive employee and the worst friend and most definitely the vilest daughter and sister because I have just not had the energy to extend myself to my friends and family. 

My brother and I were reading an email with auto corrects from an Iphone on it and we were laughing so much but one moment I was still laughing and the next I could not breathe at all and was gasping for breath.  My poor brother had the fright of his life and so ended our fun.

Then on Monday last week I received a call from the pulmonologist’s office saying that they had an opening for a new patient and that the doctor could see me on Thursday.  That was awesome news until I found out two things:

•     I would have to take leave because the appointment takes 4 hours due to all the testing they have to do
•     The consultation would cost R2 550 that is about $282 and 181 British Pounds

I was devastated.  A day’s leave I could try and get approval for but where would I get the money for the consultation.  I would also have to pay additional costs for x rays and blood tests.  I spoke to my medical aid and they would only pay R420 ($47 and £30). I so desperately wanted to see the doctor but money is a little tight after the trip to Egypt.  I spoke to my mom and she graciously offered to pay for the consultation.  I would love to say that I was too proud to accept the money but I was desperate enough to take it.

So on Thursday I arrived at the hospital just after 08:00 to start the testing process.  I first went for x rays (which took forever) and then I had blood drawn.  Then I went to the specialists rooms and did several different lung function and lung volume tests. The lung function tests were very difficult and I truly battled to get through them.  The one reading was so bad it did not even show up on the fancy machine doing the testing.  The technician eventually gave me a couple of puffs on an inhaler in an effort to settle my lungs and try and get a better reading.  Which we did.

I was very nervous waiting to see the doctor.  For so long I have been living with this fear that I am turning into a hypochondriac or that I am just a sorry sap who can’t deal with life.  BUT then the doctor called me in and we had an hour long discussion.  Firstly, my heart and esophagus are fine. Then from the x rays my lungs from the outside (you know what I mean) look normal.  There are no lesion’s or dark shadows.  He then checked my blood pressure and so on.  All normal.  Then he took me through the lung functions tests…..not normal…..not normal at all.  But before he carried on he wanted to take down my history and all the details of the meds I had been on which took forever.  Then he decided that the hay fever may be having an impact on my lungs so he asked me to stop using all the meds including my asthma meds for three days and go for more blood tests and lung function testing on Monday.

I battled the weekend.  Every breathe was a fight and because I was not on the antihistamine I was struggling with a stuffy nose and sneezing a hundred times every minute.  On Monday I went for more blood tests and then I went for a skin prick allergy test. So what they do is put strips of tape down the inside of your forearm.  Each strip is marked from 1 through to 12 and on one there is a control A and the other has a control B.  Then the nurse applies a drop from 24 different vials next to each number. Each number is linked to a different allergen.  Number 1 was cat hair and number 2 was dog hair and so on and so on.  It tests different grass types, pollens and other airborne allergens like dust mites. Once she has dropped a bit of liquid next to each number she then takes a blade type instrument and “pricks” the skin under the drop of liquid. I then had to sit with my arms in the same position for 30 minutes while the allergens interact with my skin.  It was endless and it was like Chinese torture because where I was allergic to something it swelled and itched like crazy……kinda like a mosquito bite. 

After the 30 minutes of agony the nurse took a clear plate of glass and kinda squashed it over the “reaction” depending on how big and how white the reaction is (think mosquito bite again) the worse the allergic reaction is. I can’t begin to explain the relief when I could was my arms and rub an antihistamine cream over the “reaction” sites. I could have looked at the results but I chose to wait until I could go through them with the doctor.

I felt so yuck from what I assume is the lack of medication and then the allergy tests that I just wanted to crawl up into a little ball.  However, I had to do more lung function tests and then see the doctor. When it was finally my turn to see the specialist I was so ready to just get the diagnosis and leave.  He was very sweet (for a man with zero personality) and took me through all the test that were done and then explained in detail WITH pictures what the diagnosis was and what it means.

So here it is:

My asthma has progressed from being a normal asthmatic condition to a chronic condition.  It seems to have skipped the acute stage completely.  The doctor believes that I have probably been in a chronic condition for at least the last year but did not fully realise it because of everything I was dealing with. To break it down even further I have a total lung function of 52% without medication and about 59% with medication.  In addition and this is one of my biggest issues is that when I exhale my lungs do not expel all the air it should....in fact I have over 2 liters of air which should leave my lungs it doesn't and that means that there is not a lot of place for inhaling new air. Hence the shallow breathing, the tiredness and low energy. In a normal person the test percentage should 100 but mine was 274. 

I am also allergic to a bunch of airborne factors such as cat hair, certain pollens, cypress (and conifers) trees and two varieties of dust mites. Low grade allergies for grasses and wheat’s. My main trigger however remains any change in weather.

I will not get my lung function back but we can improve it with meds. The extra volume will continue to stalk me but we have plans for improving that in the summer.. So now the treatment plan is a page long script for meds to treat both the asthma and the allergens then I have to watch early morning and night time air and basically "house arrest" for the winter months.....although I got a permission slip for Bon Jovi. Then we will review the effectiveness of the meds and so on in four months’ time.

I burst into tears when the doctor shared all this with me because I was so relieved that it had not all just been in my head that I was not just pathetic….there IS something wrong with my lungs!!!  It was so worth all the money and time (I ended up having to take the day off on Monday too).  I finally feel like I am with a doctor who understands what I am dealing with (he himself is asthmatic as is his three kids) and I have a treatment plan that is being reviewed with my lifestyle and my health in mind.

I started my treatment plan last night and am slowly going to make adjustments to my lifestyle to accommodate the fact that I am a chronic asthmatic.  No more smoking areas for me in restaurants, no more late nights out and no more beating myself up about the stuff I just can’t do.

 The doctor is positive that with some changes and the meds we will find a good balance that won’t affect my life too much.  I am very grateful to have someone on my side who understands and I feel blessed that I have a doctor who takes the time to explain things in a “Asthma for dummies” way!!!!

So as I start this journey please pray for me.  Pray that I will be able to make the lifestyle adjustments and stick to them, pray that the medication and full treatment plan will be the right one for me and most of all pray that I will find acceptance that although things have changed and will need to change me I will be ok.......eventually!!!

MONDAY MELLOW MADNESS...

I hope you all had a stunning weekend.

Here is a glimpse at mine....

On Saturday it was a beautiful day outside but alas...woe is me I had to work.  At least \
MacDonald s helped make the load easier to bear!!

There was a fun day walk and with the masses walking/running both the  5 and 10Km
races I got stuck in our office park because so many roads were closed!!

On Saturday night I begged persuaded my brother to go with me to the drive in.  

It was such a wonderful almost summer evening and the place was packed...

The vintage cars can be rented but they are currently being restored

Ummmmm Ice Age 4

Ummmmm The Dark Knight Rises...

Sunday was a bit of a rough day as my Asthma was giving me grief  but it was a nice
enough day for me to bath the fur babies.....

I seemed to have passed my addiction on to Charis.... fortunately she just likes the bottle
and not the contents!!!

THOUGHTFUL THURSDAY......

After feeling better on Monday morning I had a little set back on Monday afternoon.  The doctor's think we have these new medicine under control but I am a little skeptical as I am not quite my old self yet!


I would appreciate prayers as I face my health issues!!


In the meantime a little Thought for a Thursday.....

This is aimed at myself....but perhaps you will find some comfort in it too!!!

MONDAY MELLOW MADNESS.....

Hi all,

Sorry I kinda dropped out of sight for a while there and thank you for those who sent emails of concern.  It is greatly appreciated.

Last week Monday I started a clinical trail for a new asthma drug....by Wednesday I was feeling yuck and by Friday I felt like I was living my last day.

Thankfully I saw the doctor on Friday who first thought I had measles thanks to a lovely rash which showed up to join the nausea, fever, heahache and joint pains.  I am very grateful that it is not measles as one of my team is pregnant and that would have caused so much stress!!!

The doctor took me off the meds and gave me some others to help with the side effects.  I spent the entire weekend in bed feeling very miserable.....thankfully the winter arrived making staying in bed the best medicine. I don't think I have ever watched so many DVD's in one weekend.

I am not quite myself yet and am really battling with this hot flush type thing that keeps on happening.  It is like I heat up from the inside out and it feels like I am going to spontaneously combust from the heat!!!  Its not a pretty sight.

Anyway I just wanted to let everyone know I am ok and appreciate the concern. I am sure I will be back in the full swing of things from tomorrow.

I hope you all had a wonderful and blessed weekend.

My "nurse" sleeping on the job!!!!

CHOOSEDAY.......

I have lost my muchness!!!

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, muchness means "the quality or state of being in great quantity, extent, or degree." In relation to the Alice/Mad Hatter interaction, the word muchness refers to something within Alice, I guess it could be her heart, her spirit or her essence which she had seemly lost since the first time she had visited Wonderland. Alice had lost a little bit of who she used to be.

Think about it, really think about it, in many ways we have all lost a part of our muchness. For some we may have lost a part of ourselves just by the natural act of growing older (which is what Mad Hatter is accusing Alice of) or we may have lost a part of ourselves through a traumatic event, or we may have lost ourselves by living the life of another.

I am generalising but I believe there is an essence/spirit/core/chi/life force to each of us which slowly erodes as we get older and sees more and experiences more of the world around us. Instead of growing happier and more excited by the things we see, we are exhausted and hardened by the world. Let’s face facts this world is not the nicest place to be.  We are surrounded by people who have made a life out of criminal acts everything from theft to child abuse, from hijacking to rape and from fraud to murder!!! Our world has become overrun by liars and cheats, dishonesty and a lack of integrity is worshiped and praised.

It is a sad fact we will all face traumatic events in our lives and they will be at the root of what causes us to lose a piece of ourselves.

On Sunday I was at lunch with two friends….friends who I admire and love and above all respect.  They had some harsh words for me which was tough to take but it came from a place of love.

Tuschka has known me about 5 and a half years now and Lydia wins the jackpot because she has been in my life for 24 years.  So to set the scene for the words which followed:

We got to the restaurant and all the waiters (cute) were standing in a semi-circle, I walked up to them and said.. “So who of you handsome guys want to wait on three beautiful women? Who feels like working today?” There was a bit of shoving and pushing but we were shown our table and seated.  Tuschka looked at me and said “what was that?” I had no idea what she was talking about. Anyway to cut a long story short Tuschka could not believe I was so “forward”/engaging etc.  Lydia then told her that I had always been like that.  I was the one on vacation that would go flirt chat to the lifeguards on the beach while my friends drooled.  That I was the one who would be the life and soul of parties.  I would talk to anyone and everyone who would listen (and since I am verbose I am thinking those that wouldn’t too).  She used words like vivacious, bubbly, effervescent, charming, cheerful, energetic and outgoing.  I sat  there having no idea who she was talking about, that is not me!!!

Except it was……..before I lost my muchness!!

I spent the next two nights (no wonder I have bags under my eyes) and days thinking and pondering this.  Finally in the very early hours of this morning while listening to Charis breathing I remembered this scene from Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland started me thinking which yes is NOT always a good think but this time I think a very necessary thing!!

When did I stop being me?  When did I start keeping people at a distance? When did I build these walls? And why did I not notice it?

The answer came in the form of an asthma attack at 4am!!! Tomorrow marks the 5^th anniversary of my diagnoses with adult onset asthma and since I have a post planned I won’t go into too much detail here. BUT, the traumatic event in my life which stole my muchness was this diagnoses and the subsequent consequences.

Asthma not only stole my lung function but I have allowed it steal ME!!! Who I am has disappeared between a haze of cortisone, steroids and adrenalin. Who has time to be yourself when much of your time is focused on just breathing?

The disease is one thing but the consequences are something else.  I spoke about the weight and the impact it has on my life here.  I must admit that I thought it was the biggest obstacle which has come about as a result of my asthma but lo and behold I was wrong.  I have built walls between myself and others because I don’t want to be seen as being weak because my lungs don’t work.  I have a friend at work who when we were first getting to know each other would just tell me to BREATH believing that it was just that simple but it really isn’t. 

Over the past 5 years I have slowly but surely lost my confidence because when people hear me out of breath (and see the weight) they jump to unflattering conclusions. Instead of putting myself “out there” I hide.  Going around wheezing is not the most attractive thing in the world!! So I don’t want to draw attention to myself and to explain how bad it is….commenting on a blog is torture for me because I wonder what the blogger will think (read how they will judge) when they see my profile picture!! So if I leave you a comment know that I am stepping out of my box and reaching out because I really liked what you had to say.  

So what was different on Sunday when I interacted with the waiters?  I felt good about myself, I looked in the mirror and although it was not Angelina or Charlize staring back it me it was also not Attila the Hun!!  I felt confident in the outfit I had put together, I spent time on my hair and makeup, I was with two women who truly love me and most importantly my lungs were working.  I felt 100% relaxed and comfortable. My muchness had returned for a brief moment!

I don’t want to carry on hiding, I want to be able to share myself with others (that doesn’t sound right but I don’t know how else to say it) I want to participate in life…in MY life!!

So today I CHOOSE to no longer hid my light under a bushel, I CHOOSE to once again reclaim my muchness.

MONDAY MELLOW MADNESS...

I hope you all had a great weekend….

Here is a glimpse at mine:

On Friday evening my dear friend Tuschka took me out to dinner to celebrate my birthday….Yes I know it was over a week since my birthday but well while not stretch out the celebrations as long as possible!!! 

We went to Karoo Cattle and Land which is a fantastic restaurant which serves the most amazing meat dishes.  I had the ribs which were fantastic….I could not finish them so I took the rest home in a doggy back and had them for breakfast on Saturday.  

YUM-O!!!! It was an awesome evening of good food, good cocktails and the odd shooter or two but the best part was spending time with a very special friend.

On Saturday my fur-babies woke me up early so in an effort to let the rest of the household sleep in I took the dogs outside and messed around with my new camera.  Freak let me tell you this is a very different story from my little point and shoot…..aperture, ISO say what???????????????

Since I was up early I decided to go to my happy place…..YIP the movies!!  I ended up making it a double feature.

The first movie I watched was This means War…….I do like Chris Pine….those blue eyes turn my knees to jelly!!!

So basically the plot is nothing out of the ordinary….two friends who are both prime CIA
 operative are put on desk duty after some covert mission goes awry.  Since the two have plenty of free time on their hands.  Tuck played by the cute Tom Hardy signs up on an online dating site and meets Lauren played by the beautiful Reese Witherpoon (when I grow up I wanna look like her).  

They go on a date and it’s a hit with plenty of chemistry and friendly banter……..but Lauren on her way home from her date with Tuck stops in a video store and lo and behold she meets FDR (played by Chris Pine).  I enjoyed the teasing natural conversation between the two.  Anyway the two friends discover they are dating the same girl but neither is wanting to back down so they pursue the relationship with Lauren. 

This is where it gets funny cause being spies they have access to all kinds of gadgets and spy-ware!!!  This leads to some downright hilarious scenes.

 I am not going to give the plot away but let’s just say I like the way it ends…..a big thumbs up to the screenwriters. The three actors have a very natural rapport with each other and it the scenes seem to flow with ease.  I found it highly entertaining, somewhat witty and just a fun movie.

Next up was the really hilarious, heart-warming and utterly charming The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. The cast consists of the who’s who of British acting treasures.  The cast includes Judi Dench, Maggie Smith, Tom Wilkinson, Bill Nighy and Dev Patel. The cast is awesome and that leads itself to a very well-acted movie.

Judi Dench is the lead character, and plays, Evelyn, a recent widow, and her story sort of ties the film together. Maggie Smith plays Muriel, a kind-of-racist, bitter woman who travelled to India for a fast and cheap hip replacement. Smith is hilarious and has such great comedic timing. To me her physical transformation in itself tells a story as she starts the movie looking like a drab old hag but towards the end she even wears colour. Tom Wilkinson plays Graham, a recently retired judge, who travels back to India to visit his childhood home and past. I think his story is one which touched me most because it is so bitter sweet. Bill Nighy (can I just say that there is something ummmm sexy about him….gosh that sounds perverted but there is…..) and Penelope Wilton play Douglas and Jean, a married couple trying to come to terms with a lost retirement fund. This hit home for me in a big way as my parents face a similar situation in terms of their retirement. Bill Nighy was one of the most surprising things about this film. I’m so used to see him playing a villain, a stern or smarmy character. In this movie, he’s very sweet and kind! Not going to lie, I fell a little in love with him ……there it is again a little gross but????. Ronald Pickup (Norman),  and Celia Imrie (Madge) play two singles looking for love and hopefully some wealth to come with the love. Dev Patel also stars in the film as Sonny, the owner and manager of the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. Sonny is a bit in over his head when it comes to “outsourcing” British old people. Patel is funny as Sonny. 

Basic plot: the elderly characters have been seduced by a brochure proclaiming the magisterial and domed raj splendour of the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel for the Elderly and Beautiful. Unfortunately, on their arrival, they discover that the hotel has been photoshopped beyond all recognition and reality by its young manager (and a third favourite son) Sonny. But, as the new arrivals come to terms (or not ) with the ‘oddities’ of their accommodation, they each learn something about themselves, each other and the nature of growing old. In India, age is revered and respected, in Britain, it’s inconvenient and can be lonely. While some of the Brits search for friendship or independence, others are after something more immediate, whether it’s an old friend or a new hip. Sonny has his own battles to fight, in love with an unsuitable girl and with a rather intimidating mother. Not to mention a hotel that is falling down around him. But despite the ramshackle shape of the Marigold Hotel, most of the guests are soon discovering the India around them, meeting the locals, experiencing its culture, taboos, religion and its intense busyness.

The plot explores each character’s time in India, either together or apart. Although they do not have the experience they thought they were going to have they are forever transformed by their shared experiences, discovering that life and love can begin again when you let go of the past. It’s all put together nicely. The plot flows well, and we get to know, love and/or dislike each character. On top of that, I enjoyed watching all the characters trying to get accustomed to Indian culture. India was almost another character as the vibrant colours and children playing in cricket in the streets are seen in several scenes.

I particularly liked the film because, there were surprises, little shocks and moments of genuine feeling. It made me laugh repeatedly but it also made me do a fair bit of weeping. I can be a sentimental soul if the mood is right (which it almost always is) and The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel hits that mood perfectly. There are a couple of stories here that were much more captivating than I expected. Having them brilliantly acted certainly didn’t hurt.

On Saturday night my asthma started giving me grief and I landed up in the emergency room.  Thankfully I had Sunday to sleep and recover which my fur-babies keeping a watchful eye over me.