Today, we said a final farewell to my Nanna. The past week has been a little surreal because while my Nanna was in hospital and even after she passed I was not able to really deal with any of it. December is the busiest time of the year for me at work. There are the bonus and increases to work out, letters have to be generated for 254 employees and most of our rewards and recognition programmes payout in December to. Not to mention that December is the biggest “holiday” month of the year. Because it is summer here most people take their long vacation during this time and the schools close for about 6 weeks. Most South African’s tend to go away during this time so it is important for us to have all of the above stuff done and dusted by the 10th or there abouts of December. This year thanks to a hiccup with Excel I only started generating 506 letters on Wednesday morning and this after working 18 hour days from mid-November. When mom called to tell me that Nanna had passed I was not able to sit down and cry or to express any emotion no, I had to go into a meeting about making several employees redundant.
In short I have been too busy at work to truly grieve. Doesn't that just sound wrong?? It is however, a sign of the times. There is a serious lack of work/life balance and work more often than not tends to take priority over life. Even when my dad was in hospital earlier this year I was at work every day. Yes, I worked flexi hours but still I was there. My Nanna has passed away and I have not only been at work but I have delivered all my targets on time and without complications (Excel had complications…not me…that’s my story and I am sticking to it)! Does it mean anything, probably not. The staff don’t know of the pain I carry as I strive to ensure that they can go on leave with a bonus in their bank accounts, will my Executive Manager recognise that I delivered in spite of personal circumstances, most definitely not because it is all about the bottom line.
But what does that mean for me…it means that this is the final straw, it means that I am emotionally drained to the point that my cup is so empty there is not even a drop left, it means that I am so tired I feel like I have glass in my eyes, it means that I am bearly holding on to my sanity and it means that I have so much pent up inside of me that I feels like I am going to explode. I have had to put all the stress of having a sick dad, all the financial pressure, the exhaustion from the long hours, the grief and all the emotions of the past several months on hold.
Because here is my fear….I fear that once I let go I am going to open a flood gate which is not going to easily be closed. I fear that once I start to cry I am not going to stop for a very long time, I fear that once I start to scream it will be 2013 before I stop, I fear that if I give in to my exhausted body I won’t wake up for a week and I fear that once I let it all start to flow out of me there will be no stopping to take a meeting, to answer a call to reply to an email or to be nice to anyone. So I took a “chill” pill to get me through the service today because I really can’t afford to fall apart at the moment. I could not allow myself to feel everything because I don’t know to what that will lead and I need to be at work, I need to meet my targets and I need to be productive.
BUT, I have promised myself that on 22 December when I am on leave till the new year I will let go all of all the exhaustion, the pain, the grief, the emotional turmoil and the “eina” I have been on this year and just allow myself to break open. I am going to cry, to scream, to sleep and eat and not talk and just be and just feel and just let go because I will have time to take care of myself.