Friends, I come to you humbly asking for prayers...
On Thursday last week, my Goddaughter Megan's parents posted her passport and travel documents for our upcoming trip to Egypt. They made use of our postal service's overnight courier service. The documents made the trip from Cape Town to Johannesburg but they are currently being held "hostage" by employee strike action. The employees of the central postal hub in both Johannesburg and Pretoria have "downed tool" and no work is being done. This means that the parcel is stuck in limbo...I have made several inquiries about fetching the parcel from the Johannesburg hub but have been told that there is no one who would assist me and in addition some of the protests have turned violent and they would not be able to guarantee my safety. Without the passport and documents I am unable to go to the embassy to secure visas for our holiday. I MUST have the documents by no later than Monday 25/02/13 in order for our visas to be processed in time for our 09/03/13 departure. I contacted our travel agency and have been advised that Megan will not be allowed to travel on a temporary passport and to get a new passport issued normally takes between 6 - 8 weeks which we obviously don't have as we leave in just 18 days. Postponing the trip is not an option as the costs would be almost as much as what the original trip costs. Cancellation would mean a complete loss of money already paid and I have paid for the ENTIRE trip already!!
Needless to say I am a wreck and have no idea how we are going to get this worked out except through an act of God. Please pray that there will be a speedy resolution to the strike action and that I will receive the parcel by the due date. Thank you so much!!!
Friends, I had this whole CHOOSEday post planned but the words just won't flow and I am struggling to put my thoughts into some sort of order. Since I don't want to just slap any old thing together for this space I am rather going to let my friend Pintrest help me out with a fitting quote...
Music is such a strange thing....to me a song on the radio can take me back to a moment in time in such a real way, make me feel things from that time even smell things *weird*. In 2001 I was blessed to be visiting in the States and friends of mine had tickets to a praise and worship concert of Dennis Jernigan in Oklahoma City. They invited me with and what a blessing it turned out to be. During the praise and worship one song got stuck in my head...I am a Sheep. I don't remember all the words but from that day to this I still sing the chorus when taking off and landing in an airplane. On Saturday night I was having a really bad night. As I lay in the dark I thought about my dad and as I was screaming out to the Lord for comfort I heard these words...."When the wind blows, He is my shelter, when I am lost and alone, He rescues me and when the lion comes He is my victory constantly watching over me." In one of my darkest hours I heard the words of a song which I first heard in 2001. So I went online and found "I am a sheep" and as DJ's voice filled my room I felt like I did the very first time I heard him sing...like God was right there with me. So for the next three hours I had myself a little worship with DJ (Dennis Jernigan) on youtube. As my eyes finally grew heavy the last words I heard was "I'll have no other, for I love you only. I'll never forsake you or leave you alone. I love you, oh how I love you. I love you, oh how I love you." So today I want to share not only "I am a sheep" with you but also "Daddy"s song". I pray that if you are hurting in anyway, if there is any reason that you need comfort or need to find healing that the words of these two songs will begin that process for you.....like they have for me!!
Today, we said a final farewell to my Nanna. The past week
has been a little surreal because while my Nanna was in hospital and even after
she passed I was not able to really deal with any of it. December is the busiest time of the year for
me at work. There are the bonus and
increases to work out, letters have to be generated for 254 employees and most
of our rewards and recognition programmes payout in December to. Not to mention that December is the biggest “holiday”
month of the year. Because it is summer
here most people take their long vacation during this time and the schools
close for about 6 weeks. Most South
African’s tend to go away during this time so it is important for us to have
all of the above stuff done and dusted by the 10th or there abouts
of December. This year thanks to a hiccup
with Excel I only started generating 506 letters on Wednesday morning and this
after working 18 hour days from mid-November.
When mom called to tell me that Nanna had passed I was not able to sit
down and cry or to express any emotion no, I had to go into a meeting about
making several employees redundant.
In short I have been too busy at work to truly grieve. Doesn't that just sound wrong?? It is however, a
sign of the times. There is a serious
lack of work/life balance and work more often than not tends to take priority
over life. Even when my dad was in
hospital earlier this year I was at work every day. Yes, I worked flexi hours but still I was
there. My Nanna has passed away and I
have not only been at work but I have delivered all my targets on time and
without complications (Excel had complications…not me…that’s my story and I am
sticking to it)! Does it mean anything, probably not. The staff don’t know of the pain I carry as I
strive to ensure that they can go on leave with a bonus in their bank accounts,
will my Executive Manager recognise that I delivered in spite of personal
circumstances, most definitely not because it is all about the bottom line.
But what does that mean for me…it means that this is the
final straw, it means that I am emotionally drained to the point that my cup is
so empty there is not even a drop left, it means that I am so tired I feel like
I have glass in my eyes, it means that I am bearly holding on to my sanity and
it means that I have so much pent up inside of me that I feels like I am going
to explode. I have had to put all the stress of having a sick dad, all the
financial pressure, the exhaustion from the long hours, the grief and all the
emotions of the past several months on hold.
Because here is my fear….I fear that once I let go I am
going to open a flood gate which is not going to easily be closed. I fear that once I start to cry I am not
going to stop for a very long time, I fear that once I start to scream it will
be 2013 before I stop, I fear that if I give in to my exhausted body I won’t
wake up for a week and I fear that once I let it all start to flow out of me
there will be no stopping to take a meeting, to answer a call to reply to an
email or to be nice to anyone. So I took
a “chill” pill to get me through the service today because I really can’t
afford to fall apart at the moment. I could not allow myself to feel everything
because I don’t know to what that will lead and I need to be at work, I need to
meet my targets and I need to be productive.
BUT, I have promised myself that on 22 December when I am on
leave till the new year I will let go all of all the exhaustion, the pain, the
grief, the emotional turmoil and the “eina” I have been on this year and just
allow myself to break open. I am going to cry, to scream, to sleep and eat and
not talk and just be and just feel and just let go because I will have time to
take care of myself.
A big thank you to everyone who contacted me about Nanna. She is still with us but is critical. I have decided that with the festive season upon us I am going to give some of my regular features a "holiday".
I love, love, love beautifully wrapped gifts. It does not really matter what the occasion is, if I am giving a gift the wrapping forms part of time and effort spent on the selection of the gift.
So Christmas normally has me in a tizz with all the ribbons and bows and different coloured wrapping paper. I do for the most part try and wrap my gifts in the colour theme I have chosen for the year. This does not always work well for me because I just love really crazy Christmas wrapping but....I cheat and use the crazy bright kitche wrapping for the kids. They love it and so do I!! I have not quite yet decided how I am going to bring the different shades of golds and browns into my wrapping but have been scouring Pintrest for ideas and here are some of the ones I like. Not all fit in with my colour theme but are just great ideas...
Simple and elegant...not a single man in my family will be impressed by it!!
I love the touch of berries
Love this one
I NEVER look like this wrapping gifts...normally a hot mess!!
This had kinda grown on me..
Simple and sweet
Love the colour of this ribbon with the gold trim
I really like this one...needs just a touch of bling tho!!
Do you have any special gift wrapping suggestions???
So it's that time of the year again...you know endless end year functions, Christmas and new year parties and because it is summer time in South Africa wedding season.
I am once again having my "single" status highlighted in freaking neon colours and just for today I am CHOOSING to indulge myself pity and let it all out....because I did not CHOOSE this life for myself and the truth of the matter is...
Do you know what it feels like to feel alone in a crowded
room?
Do you know what it feels like to watch the life growing
beneath your heart move and know that I will never experience that?
Do you know what searing pain and fear shoots through your
entire being when you read “plus 1” on an invitation?
Do you know what it feels like to have to be seated at a different
table at weddings and other functions just because you are single?
Do you know what it feels like to see you so loved and know
that I never will be?
Do you know what it feels like to walk into a room filled
with people with no one at your back?
Do you know what it feels like to deal with every single
problem on your own?
Do you know what it feels like to know that all your friends
are in love?
Do you know what it feels like to never be invited out
because you throw the table seating out?
Do you know what it feels like to have others look at you
with sympathy because you are alone?
Do you know what it feels like to have others stare at you
because you are going to a movie on your own, out to dinner on your own?
Do you know what it feels like to always set the table with
one plate, one knife, one fork and one glass?
Do you know what it feels like to stand in front of a stove
and cook for one?
Do you know what it feels like to spend time getting ready for
work or a function and to have no one say you look nice let alone that you look
beautiful or sexy?
Do you know what it feels like to watch a family making
sandcastles on the beach while you know that your sandcastles have long ago
been washed away by the tide?
Do you know what it feels like to watch a romantic movie
with no one to hold you? Do you know what it feels like to wonder how long it will be
before anyone finds your body should you die during the night?
Do you know what it feels like to live in fear of dying
alone?
Do you know what it feels like to cry alone and know that
there will never be someone to reach out and wipe away your tears?
Do you know what it feels like to miss someone you have
never met?
Do you know how frustrating it is to have to pay a “single”
traveller supplement every time I travel?
Do you know how much I want to stab a knife through your
eyeball every time you ask “So, why aren’t you married”?
Do you know how much money I have spent on wedding,
engagement, baby shower and kids birthday party presents?
Do you know how difficult it is to make healthy food choices
when it’s for one?
Do you know how difficult it is to motivate yourself to go
to gym or diet when no one sees you naked…EVER?
Do you know how uneventful it is to cross an item off your
bucket list when you have no one to share it with?
Do you know how pathetic it is to watch a beautiful sunset
on your own, to take a long walk on the beach on your own and to dance in the
rain on your own? Do you know how hollow your laugh sounds when you laugh out loud and there is no one else with you?
Do you know how it feels to watch others walk down the
street holding hands while your hands are hanging by your side?
Do you know how it feels to have to say out loud “I am
single” ?
Do you know how it feels to ALWAYS have to be in control
because there is no else to shoulder the burden?
Do you know how long a night can be when you have no one to
talk to?
Do you know how lonely a bed can be when you have no one to
share it with?
Do you know how insignificant your day becomes when you come
home and there is no one to talk to about your day?
Do you know how it feels to go days without being touched by
another person?
This song from Kelly Clarkson has
been running through my head for days now.
Do you have a dark side? For
instance, do you ever harbor desires for revenge? Do you ever experience
satisfaction from others' misfortune? Do you find yourself obsessed with
one-upping your friends or colleagues? There are many other ways our dark sides
leak out--lying, envy, cheating, gambling, various vices--and these tendencies
can either get us in trouble or position us, somehow, for the better.
I think we all have two inner
voices…there is the voice inside that tells us to be well behaved, to have morals
and be an upstanding citizens but then there is the rebellious side. The inner voice that tries to convince us to
do all that is wrong, selfish and deviant.
When I was growing up my mom always used to tell me that I had an angel
on my one shoulder and a devil on the other and it was my choice who I listened
to and therefore I was responsible and accountable for my actions and had to
accept the consequences.
So the two voices are forever at
war, each trying to win me over and I CHOOSE which side gains the upper
hand. If I listen to my dark side then I
only have myself to blame. When faced with tough situations or CHOICES the
fight becomes an inner struggle between good and evil. I can’t blame my circumstances or use the
situation as an excuse for my behaviour because the CHOICE is mine and if I make
a bad CHOICE then I have succumbed to my dark side.
If of course I CHOOSE to listen
to the “angel” then I win because I win the battle over my own evil
inclinations. Either way the CHOICE is
mine and I am responsible for my CHOICE.
There is an anonymous internet
quote: “T’s only by spotting your shadow when you see the direction of the
light.” At the end of the day we are
only human, in truth we are all here to evolve and we are in a process and the process
involves cycling through various stages and there are milestones we need to
achieve.
What is my dark side? Well I am not sure, is it the pile of emotions I have rejected or
ignored? Is it perhaps the situations
and phobias that I have tried with all my might to forget? Is it what I hate
most about myself or is it what I hate most in others? Every time someone drives me nuts, is it
because that person has managed to touch a very delicate part of my dark side?
Is my dark side my general conception about ugliness?? I am overweight and I feel somehow guilty and
rejected because of this, is this because the general opinion is that being overweight
is something ugly?
We often what to deny and even
fight our dark sides which to my mind makes you split your personality right
down the middle between wrong and right. But that sounds like severe
schizophrenia and you really can’t be mentally or spiritually split in two can you??
Could accepting our dark side be
the answer? Could accepting our dark
side have advantages? It takes so much energy to fight our dark sides and if we
stop then there will be surplus energy available for other things. . You can start to build on your shiny part if you want, because you
have an extra energy pack. You don’t need to fight anymore, just by accepting
that you are who you are, you will have access to a new source of personal
power.
You just took some horse power from your regular “I am not this person,
I can’t be that bad” sentences that you say to yourself, and used in another
part of your activity.
If you do accept you have a dark side, you
establish a starting point. Now I know: “I’m not only this respectable person,
but I am also this shy and sad person who fears social contacts. So? This is
me, and I know from where I start and to where I end. I established my whole
territory now. You can accept me or not, but I know that I accepted myself, and
that’s ok.”
Of course, in real life, is not that easy. You
can’t just wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say to yourself: “ok,
I do have a dark side, so ummmm have a nice day”. It takes courage and energy. It takes
time also. And it takes more than one try, that’s for sure.
So where do we start with accepting our dark
side? I am not sure but for me right now
it is identifying my reactions to the things I don’t like. I am trying to
observe each situation I find myself in which has my emotions running crazy and
then I try to give a name to the situation.
It is really difficult because emotions are like little pacman's eating up
your energy. I am trying to learn to unpack situations which leave me dazed and
confused so that I can analyse why I feel this way.
And that is kinda what started this whole
process for me. I currently find myself in a
situation where I am battling to discern my motivations for the way I am
reacting to a situation with a friend.
The
situation which I am not going to share right now sees me at loggerheads with
her which is a very usual place for us. For the life of me I have not been able
to figure out why I am having such a strong negative…to the point of physical aggressive reaction to the situation. So I have spent the last couple of days
unpacking each and every emotion, running through every moment that has led to
this one and I have taken the time to really work through my feelings and my
reactions and it has been a labour intensive process.
It has been work. I have been wondering if my dark side had
gotten the better of me, if jealousy and envy had reared their ugly heads, was I
projecting my insecurities, was I allowing my dark side to persuade me that I was
a bad friend, was I allowing my dark side to whisper words of rejection in my
ear?
Well I am still in the process of sorting through
it all but as I write this I truly believe that it is actually my “angel” that
has lead me to this point, my “angel” which has guided my actions and
reactions. But as I said I am still
gathering evidence and investigating my emotions and motivations.
All I know for sure is this: each one of us have a
dark side, now don’t get me wrong I am not saying that Satan lives inside of
you or anything like that. We need to CHOOSE
to accept that we have a dark side. Every day we make CHOICES and those CHOICES
have consequences for which we are held accountable. I CHOOSE to understand
that there are times when my dark side drives my CHOICES when I will make
mistakes and not CHOOSE wisely but I also CHOOSE to forgive myself.
Harry Potter can't be wrong...can he???
Day twenty: I am thankful for those who know my dark side and love me any way!!
Here are the words to Kelly’s song:
There's a place that I know It's not pretty there and few have ever gone If I show it to you now Will it make you run away
Or will you stay Even if it hurts Even if I try to push you out Will you return? And remind me who I really am Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side Do you love me? Can you love mine? Nobody's a picture perfect But we're worth it You know that we're worth it Will you love me? Even with my dark side?
Like a diamond From black dust It's hard to know It can become A few give up So don't give up on me Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side Do you love me? Can you love mine? Nobody's a picture perfect But we're worth it You know that we're worth it Will you love me? Even with my dark side?
Don't run away Don't run away Just tell me that you will stay Promise me you will stay Don't run away Don't run away Just promise me you will stay Promise me you will stay
Will you love me? ohh Everybody's got a dark side Do you love me? Can you love mine? Nobody's a picture perfect But we're worth it You know that we're worth it Will you love me? Even with my dark side?
On this CHOOSEday I am CHOOSing to link my normal type post
with a 30 days of thanksgiving post.
Recently I heard about an initiative called Walk the Walk
Life on the Streets and since I started following it, it has changed my
perception.
I first heard of the
initiative from Dene Botha who I follow on Twitter (@DeneBothaSA) and since he
is a good looking laddie who skydives naked to save rhinos (check out that vid
on his website I
thought I would find out what it is all about.
And now I can say that I am very grateful that I did.
So basically two guys
down in Cape Town Marc Buhrer and Shane McConnachie decided that we as a
society are so quick to judge those down on their luck, those who have lost
their jobs and beg at the traffic lights, those who have lost everything including
their homes and are living on the streets…..jobless, homeless, friendless (so I
thought at least) and penniless and they wanted to know the truth.
I don’t know about you but I have become really jaded about
the beggars/hobos whatever you want to call them that flock around your car at
every traffic light. I have been known
to roll up my window when one approaches or to pick up my phone and get busy so
I can “ignore” them. I am so ashamed of
myself as I write this because in all honesty “There for the grace of God go
I”.
My family was literally one meal away from being on the streets. My dad had lost his job and was battling to
find one, I was working after school in a pharmacy to cover the costs of my
transport to and from school and that of my baby brother. Mom had found a half day job and that was
basically keeping us alive. It took
seven years but my families’ luck changed and although we are by no means flush
we have never gone hungry.
How quickly I had forgotten what it feels like to walk into
the green grocer and ask for left over fruit and veg, how quickly I had
forgotten what it is like to have your electricity cut off because you can’t
pay the bills. How quickly I had
forgotten what it is like to look to others for hand me down clothes because I
have outgrown mine and we don’t have money to buy new clothes. How quickly…how
quickly, I had forgotten the emotional turmoil…
And how quickly I was reminded when I started following Marc
and Shane’s journey. They did not do
this for publicity or not in the way we would think. I do think that the publicity they have
generated has created an awareness and for many like me a shift in perception.
For these two men it was a experience in finding solutions and answers to an
ever growing problem in this beautiful country of ours.
So on Monday 5 November Marc and Shane took to the streets
with nothing more than the clothing on their backs. Their goal was to spend a week living hand to
mouth out on the streets of Cape Town.
Their journey was documented by Co-Op TV and I want to urge you to watch the video clips and listen to the video diaries
of these men. Other than these video recording sessions for the campaign they
were on their own, left to fend for themselves. They had to find work or odd
jobs, beg for money, beg for food, find shelter to sleep in at night.
Dene Botha joined them for a bit and you can read about his
experience on his website: After reading his post about his experience and seeing the various video clips
my heart ached. I thought of all the
times I had rolled up my window or had thought bad thoughts about those
approaching my window for help. How easy
it becomes to turn a deaf ear to the cries of the jobless, homeless, friendless
and penniless.
Their journey has come to an end but I know that it is only
the beginning of the story because I believe that others will CHOOSE to see
past the dirty faces and smelly bodies, I believe that others will CHOOSE to
find ways to help and I believe that through awareness campaigns like these
others will CHOOSE to change lives. I am very grateful for guys like Marc and
Shane who are willing to go into the “trenches” to truly experience the life on
the streets and to make others like me aware of what it is truly like.
I know that I CHOOSE to not roll up my window, I CHOOSE not
pick up my phone and I CHOOSE to make a difference even if it is only with a
kind word and a 5 cents coin.
What do you CHOOSE!!!
Day thirteen: I am thankful for the safety and security that
comes from having a roof over my head, the electricity in the wall which gives
light when night is at its darkest. I am thankful for baths every night and a
shower every morning. I am thankful for
a fridge full of food and food in my tummy. I am thankful for bathrooms with
working plumbing. I am thankful for a warm bed to sleep in. I am thankful for my home.
In the weeks leading up to the
start of November I notice several blogs, tweets and FB status talking about 30
days of thanksgiving. Now in South
Africa we don’t celebrate thanksgiving so at first it was not a blog series
that really stood out for me…well that was until I started reading some of last
year’s posts and realised that it had nothing to do with being an American and celebrating
a uniquely American holiday and rather about looking at your life and finding
all the blessings.
It got me thinking about all the
times I have spoken about living with an attitude of gratitude and how often I
forget to see the small things because I am so focused on the big. Thinking that way and then watching a
lifestyle show on TV which found me spending an entire hour thinking things
like…
I wish I had a home like hers
Oh WOW I wish I made money like
him
I wish I had that house
I wish I could be a jet setter
I wish I had her figure
I wish I could afford Jimmy Choo’s
Add pintrest to the mix and the “wanties”
continued. A recipe for an ungrateful and dissatisfied heart if ever there was one. In this technology rich era it is very easy to get caught up in the
lives of others. It gets to the point
where it is all about what we have and not about who we are. We start accumulating more and more “stuff”
and we exhibit our possessions as if they are cast in gold. I know I am guilty of this and I am pretty
sure I am not alone in this. I am not saying that we should not like or have
pretty “stuff” or that we should not work for things but when the accumulating
becomes the goal we have seriously missed the boat.
In Matthew 6:21 the bible says “For
where your treasure is, there your heart will be.” That makes me think that God
cares about where my heart is and if my heart is with earthy pursuits and “stuff”
then it is not with Him. I often tell
people that who I am in not the number on the scale but neither am I the car I
drive, the house I live in, the clothes I wear etc. But that is where the
challenge comes in because I really need to examine my heart, my motives and
the things I spend my energy and time on because are they my treasure.
God blesses me richly every day in
so many ways that I just take for granted.
So I am CHOOSing to jump on the bandwagon (a little late but jumping none the
less) and am going to do the 30 days of thanksgiving challenge.
"In everything give thanks, for
this is the will of God in Christ Jesus toward you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Since I need to catch up I am
going to tackle day one through six here and now…
Day one: I am thankful for my
family. They inspire me and motivate me
to be a better daughter and sister, cousin and niece.
Darra, Moeksie, my brother Donovan and I
Day two: I am thankful for my fur
babies. Jessie and Charis are so much part of my life that they are this wom-“man’s
best friend”. I am sure that every fur mamma thinks her babies are the most
special but my two really and truly are. There is nothing quite like the look on
Jessie’s face when I get home and not to mention Charis tail working overtime
in greeting. They have the most amazing ability to make me feel like the most
special person on earth and they forgive me for leaving them for hours and
hours on their own.
Day three: I am thankful because: I am unique. I am
wonderfully made. I am gifted. I am accepted. I am loved. I am God’s child.
Day four: I am thankful for my
friends. I am very blessed to have the most amazing people in my life. They share so much of themselves with me and
allow me to share myself (my true self) with them. It is a blessing to find yourself surrounded by
the love and understanding that comes from friendship.
Day five: I am thankful for my job
because it allows me to work with people, support my family and live a
productive life in which I can make a difference in the lives of others.
Our reception area...
Day six: Today, I am especially thankful for
the difficult people in my life. They show me exactly who I don’t want to be.
“No one can become rich without enriching others. Anyone who adds to prosperity must prosper in
turn.” – G Alexander Orndorff
Giving…in our country and in society as a whole we often talk about
giving, but how do you feel when you are asked to give? I’ll be honest and
admit that sometimes giving feels more like a chore. But the Bible teaches us that:
"So let each one give as he purposes in his
heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver" (2
Corinthians 9:7).
I know that this verse is linked to giving at
church or tithing but I want to use it a little differently.
The part about “God loves a cheerful giver” is
something that I want to talk about today. As I mentioned yesterday I
participated in the Santa Shoebox charity drive this year (check back for a
little more about the charity tomorrow) but what I left out was the lesson I
learnt from getting involved.
Let me take you back to January (can believe we are
a day shy of November already?) when we as a company was being bombarded with
requests to support various charity initiatives. In my own capacity I am involved in several
charitable organisations and enjoy being part of projects which uplift the
communities around me. However, with my
dad being ill I realised that this year I would in all likelihood not be able
to give as much as my time as I normally would. When we as an organisation then
choose to support Santa’s Shoebox I decided to pledge 10 shoeboxes which was considered a lot.
Before I carry on let me quickly
explain what the Santa Shoebox initiative is.
The Santa Shoebox Project is an inspiring community
initiative of the Kidz2Kidz Trust that
co-ordinates the donation, collection and distribution of personalised gifts at
Christmas time to underprivileged children across South Africa and Namibia.
This great project was started in 2006 with 180 boxes. Last year, an
astounding 70 489 shoe boxes were distributed, and this year they are
aiming to make Christmas time a little merrier for 100 000 children. The box include a toy, some toiletries,
stationery, a clothing outfit and a sweet treat and a little extra something
age appropriate if you are so inclined.
So 10 boxes does not sound like a big deal does
it??? And it wasn’t in the beginning.
Once a month we would receive an email from our co-ordinator saying what
we should bring and off I would go and buy ten bars of soaps, ten toothbrushes,
ten toothpastes and so on and so on. But
then the monthly shopping had to come to an end because we had to wait for the
pledges to open so that we would know what ages the kids were.
I was so excited picking out kids whose names and
ages sprang out at me and there was such happiness in the thought of spoiling
them for Christmas with a special gift box.
But excitement turned to agitation and happiness turned to sadness last week.
Between January and October my circumstances had
changed. My dad’s medical bills along
with my own have severely impacted on my finances and the thought of having to
buy clothes and toys for ten kids became overwhelming.
I hit the shops and was totally shocked at the
prices of kids clothes (my youngest was 10 and my oldest 17) I walked from shop
to shop trying to find something wonderful which was well…..cheap. The less success I had in finding something
special within my price range the more I felt overwhelmed and the less cheerful
my heart became. I finally just closed my eyes and did the best I could for the
best price I could get and looking back I really got some wonderful t-shirts
for the boys with funky board shorts and for the girls I found beautiful
colourful tops with leggings but my credit card was groaning and I had yet to
find little extras.
I must have walked a 100km in search of extras that
would mean something but I battled to find stuff that I thought would work and
also fit into my dwindling budget and my heart became even less cheerful. I finally found some really nice nail colours
for the girls and baseball caps for the boys.
And so started the process of packing the boxes…..only the girls toys
did not fit into the boxes.
It was pretty much at this point that cheerful left
the building and resentful walked in. I
walked from shoe shop to shoe shop begging for bigger boxes which I then took
home and wrapped up. While I was
wrapping the boxes I was moaning about how much time it was taking at the
expense of the wrapping paper and I am sure it is safe to say that now my heart
was filled with emptiness.
On Friday morning when I got to the office I
received an email which basically told me I had like ten minutes to pack the
boxes before they were going to be collected.
Feeling incredibly overwhelmed and dazed Busi (one of my team) and I started
packing my boxes and once done we realised that we had not marked the ages so
we now had to unpack them check the ages on the clothing and then find the appropriate
child’s sticker so we could label the boxes correctly. And so arrived the
moment when I went into “big bird” mode and just started flapping around
aimlessly and crying!!
Needless to say thanks to Busi we got done and my
boxes (along with her one) was collected.
The relief was palpable and although no longer overwhelmed I still felt
well annoyed. Over lunch we were
wondering how many boxes had been collected so we went onto the website and
there my friends was where I turned into a hot mess…
On the website was all these
photos of happy faces with the biggest smiles as they opened or received their
gift boxes. My empty heart began to fill
with shame and disgust at myself. I had
not given with a “cheerful” heart, instead I had given with a heart filled with
resentment, anger and irritation. The floodgates opened and my heart cried out
through my tears…..me…Lisa had always considered myself a giver with a pure
heart had made giving a chore. I who
always said I would gladly give you the shirt of my back had not given gladly.
I was humbled and I crumbled at
the sight of those kids. Yes, they will
not know that my heart was not “cheerful” they will only know the joy of
opening the boxes and receiving but that’s not the point…the point is I
know. At the end of the day all it cost
me was money which I can’t take with me when I die and time which I would have
wasted on watching TV.
I am ashamed of the way I acted
and I regret allowing myself to become so overwhelmed and so concerned about
money that I forgot what I was doing it for and more importantly who I was
doing it for. God loves a cheerful giver and I was not very cheerful in my
giving to these kids so how did God feel about me in that moment….I am sure the
same way I felt about myself…disappointed.
So I am CHOOSing to change my
attitude. For some it is easier to give
cash instead of actually giving of their time and themselves. I realise we don’t
all have extra money lying around to donate to the hundreds (if not millions)
of wonderful charities out there but how about cleaning our your closet and
donating old clothes, or offering to cook a meal for a family going through a
rough time or how about sitting next to a recent widow at church instead of watching
her sit on her own.
Giving comes before receiving in
both the alphabet and in life. You can
have everything you have ever wanted in your career and personal life, you can
have financial freedom and riches beyond measure but it is in giving that we
truly receive.
I forgot that in my overwhelmed
state on Friday…I forgot how wonderful it feels when you give enthusiastically
and purposefully to the lives of others. I had forgotten how much you (me)
receive when you give to others.
So when was the last time you
CHOSE to give from the heart without expecting anything in return?
If your answer is today then I
say CHOOSE to keep on giving.
If your answer is “not lately”
then I say CHOOSE to start, CHOOSE to not wait.
Like me CHOOSE today to be a
cheerful giver and I promise you, you
will reap the rewards.
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