Friday, 24 January 2014

INTENTIONS...



Just in case you have forgotten.....that's me!!

It was never my intention to take time off from blogging.  In fact blogging had become my "go to" place when I needed to sort my thoughts and feelings out.  But, it seems like I need to take a moment. A moment which turned into almost three months! 

I could hand you a silver platter with the most well dressed excuses but the long and the short of it is...I was not in a space where I could extend myself! I was having issues with my health, work was like one endless pressure and stress test and at home things were tough.

Grief, I think has a funny way of stopping you in your tracks.  It was literally the thought of having gone so long without my dad that brought me to a grinding stop. It was as if I put up a wall to protect myself from the battering I was taking.  It honestly, felt like I was under siege.

I needed to take a moment!

Things are still totally a mess but I am better, stronger and able to open myself up again.

There has been a tremendous amount of change at work. Some of the changes as HR I managed and others had a direct affect on me. Change is not easy and the old adage "Choice, Chance, Change....You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change" comes to mind. But the with change the thing to keep in mind is that you have to keep going because although each step may be harder than the one before you have to keep going...the view from the top is beautiful!! I was not sure where all the changes were going to take my career and at one point I found myself faithless in God's plan but God never lost sight of the plans He has for me and things are slowly starting to settle down.  The changes have been career limiting and that is something I still need to process but for now I am working harder than ever before but I am still doing what I love...for the most part!!

My health was such a problem towards the end of 2013 that I was ready to throw in the towel and just let go of all the meds and tests. Then in December I started to see small but significant improvements and thankfully I am still seeing the improvements today. I am still on a lot of medication which is frustrating but everyday I am using my asthma pumps less and less.

I had not realised how much mourning had become a millstone around my neck. I was so seeped in it that I could not find any hope of life beyond. The holidays was rough let me tell you rough!! Everyone around me is all excited and buying gifts and shouting out "enjoy the holidays" and all I kept on thinking is that this year and every year which follows I and my family will first have to get through the 24th of December before we can get to the 25th. We got to the 24th with tears and fear and trepidation but with got through the 24th with love and a genuine thankfulness for the man that was Don Wilmot. 

On 08 January it was the anniversary of the "celebration of life" ceremony we had for dad and I woke up with tears streaming down my face. But as I stood in the shower doing the ugly cry I realised that I cannot carry this burden any longer.  I need to lay my aching grief filled heart at the cross and let my Heavenly Father carry it further. I spent a long time in the shower that morning praying and worshiping and seeking comfort in the arms of my Savior. And when I left the bathroom it was with a lighter heart and one filled with hope for a better tomorrow.

I have decided that blogging every day is probably a lot more pressure than I want or need to put on myself but I would like to try and at least put up a post three times a week.

I have a lot to share as in this time there has been births, deaths, tears and laughter and so much more.  Plus I have gotten really into Masterchef Australia so I have been trying out all kinds of recipes.

I hope that you will stick around and lets see where 2014 takes us...

1 comment:

Chantel Klassen said...

Hey Lisa, I just came across your blog via Katie's and am so interested to hear that you are from South Africa - we are in the process of adopting from there!

I'm sorry to hear about your loss and look forward to reading what you have to share in the future!