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| My dad and I at my Graduation....He was so proud of me!! |
Grief is an odd thing. For some reason I had always thought
that it was something that hurt like hell and then with time the hurt would
start to fade. Oh, I knew you would
always miss the loved one you had lost but even that would ease over time.
Turns out, I am wrong!!
I don’t know why that surprises me because I am often wrong!
But, seriously I had always envisaged grief as being something that with time
and I guess a little bit of effort would fade.
But I am here to tell you that it is a constant ache that
you drag around with you. My dad has
been gone for 13 months and for me as I sit and write this it is as if he
passed 13 minutes ago. I still feel as
if my heart lies at my feet ripped from my chest.
I thought it would be the big things that would affect me
the most…birthdays, holidays, fathers day and the anniversary of his passing but
once again I was wrong. It is not those big moment that leave you doing the
ugly cry, it is the small everyday things that kinda sneak up on you that leave
you breathless.
Just this past weekend I was sorting thought the grocery
cupboard and as I moved some tins I found a tin of Ensure. A meal supplement that was almost all I could
get my dad to “eat” the last couple of weeks of his life. And there in the passage with the tin in my
hand I had a little moment which turned into the ugly cry.
A little while before that I was having a mani and pedi and
while my friend was busy with my nails her dad called and as I listened to them
talking it dawned on me that I would never ever again hear my dad’s voice over
the phone. I would never receive a voicemail in his gruff voice because he
hated leaving messages. And there with my fingers being wrapped in foil for a
soak I had a little moment which turned into the ugly cry.
Over the holidays I was in the mall one day(sheer madness, I know)
and I was standing in line watching a family in the line next to me. The little girl was tugging on her dad and
seemed to be desperate for his attention eventually her dad moved them out of
the line and they went and sat down on one the benches. The little girl immediately crawled onto her
dad’s lap and they opened a book and started to read together. And there with
my shopping in my hand I had a little moment which turned into the ugly cry.
I was visiting friends and my friend was going through some
old photos of when we were kids. She and
I were laughing over our 80’s hairstyles and the early Madonna clothes when she
turned the page. There was the most
amazing photo of my dad playing tennis with her mom. He looked so healthy and so young and there
with my friend watching I had a little moment which turned into the ugly cry.
I don’t really smell my dad in the house anymore…I really
have to breathe in his pillow to get a whiff of his scent but the two weeks ago I
was working in his bedroom which is now the spare room. I was packing my scrapbooking stuff and
trying to create some order to it when suddenly I could smell my dad as if he
was standing there right next to me. And there in his old room surrounded by
his things I had a little moment which turned into the ugly cry.
No, grief does not fade but in some ways it’s a comfort to
know that I will always feel the loss of my dad because he deserves to be
remembered every little moment….even when it turns into the ugly cry.
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