|My dad and I at my Graduation....He was so proud of me!!|
Grief is an odd thing. For some reason I had always thought that it was something that hurt like hell and then with time the hurt would start to fade. Oh, I knew you would always miss the loved one you had lost but even that would ease over time.
Turns out, I am wrong!!
I don’t know why that surprises me because I am often wrong! But, seriously I had always envisaged grief as being something that with time and I guess a little bit of effort would fade.
But I am here to tell you that it is a constant ache that you drag around with you. My dad has been gone for 13 months and for me as I sit and write this it is as if he passed 13 minutes ago. I still feel as if my heart lies at my feet ripped from my chest.
I thought it would be the big things that would affect me the most…birthdays, holidays, fathers day and the anniversary of his passing but once again I was wrong. It is not those big moment that leave you doing the ugly cry, it is the small everyday things that kinda sneak up on you that leave you breathless.
Just this past weekend I was sorting thought the grocery cupboard and as I moved some tins I found a tin of Ensure. A meal supplement that was almost all I could get my dad to “eat” the last couple of weeks of his life. And there in the passage with the tin in my hand I had a little moment which turned into the ugly cry.
A little while before that I was having a mani and pedi and while my friend was busy with my nails her dad called and as I listened to them talking it dawned on me that I would never ever again hear my dad’s voice over the phone. I would never receive a voicemail in his gruff voice because he hated leaving messages. And there with my fingers being wrapped in foil for a soak I had a little moment which turned into the ugly cry.
Over the holidays I was in the mall one day(sheer madness, I know) and I was standing in line watching a family in the line next to me. The little girl was tugging on her dad and seemed to be desperate for his attention eventually her dad moved them out of the line and they went and sat down on one the benches. The little girl immediately crawled onto her dad’s lap and they opened a book and started to read together. And there with my shopping in my hand I had a little moment which turned into the ugly cry.
I was visiting friends and my friend was going through some old photos of when we were kids. She and I were laughing over our 80’s hairstyles and the early Madonna clothes when she turned the page. There was the most amazing photo of my dad playing tennis with her mom. He looked so healthy and so young and there with my friend watching I had a little moment which turned into the ugly cry.
I don’t really smell my dad in the house anymore…I really have to breathe in his pillow to get a whiff of his scent but the two weeks ago I was working in his bedroom which is now the spare room. I was packing my scrapbooking stuff and trying to create some order to it when suddenly I could smell my dad as if he was standing there right next to me. And there in his old room surrounded by his things I had a little moment which turned into the ugly cry.
No, grief does not fade but in some ways it’s a comfort to know that I will always feel the loss of my dad because he deserves to be remembered every little moment….even when it turns into the ugly cry.