MONDAY MELLOW MADNESS...

I am exhausted...I have reached the end my of emotional rope and the end of my physical stamina.......there is just no other way to put it but to say that I am running on empty!! 

2012 had not been the greatest and this past weekend was one of the worst EVER!!  I know I have a flair for the dramatic and you may be thinking that I am tapping into the crazy juice but the fact of the matter is that I feel like I have nothing left...no energy, no tears, no smiles, no laughter, no kind words...just emptiness!!

I shared on Friday that my nanna had had a stroke and was in stable condition. I really wanted to go and see her on Friday night but I needed to work so I had to settle for getting information from the ICU nursing staff caring for her. Needless to say I did not sleep well on Friday night!!  On Saturday morning I was in the office bright and early and worked for a couple of hours.

I had decided that since my nanna's sister would be visiting her the morning I would visit her the afternoon.  I was not sure where the hospital was because I don't know that area very well.  Nanna has only lived there for a year or so and I have only been there a handful of times.  Its about an hour and a half's drive from where I live. Of course I got lost which had me very stressed out.  A friend who lives in the area had sent me directions which were very detailed but there was construction on the roads and I did not see a slip way which I had to take.  Anyway I arrived at the hospital about 20 minutes later than I intended.

I don't even know how to describe what I felt when I saw my nanna lying there.  Firstly I was not aware that she had fallen so her face was bruised and she has a very nasty gash above her eye which is all shades of blue and red.  Then there was all the pipes.  I knew she was on a ventilator but did not expect to see her all strapped up because she keeps on trying to pull the vent out. Anyway to cut a long story short she has progressed from a stable condition to critical.  The sister on duty shared with me that she felt that the dr was going to ask the family to switch the life support off.

I was devastated but I did not want to waste time crying so instead I pulled up a chair and sat down next to nanna. I was not allowed to hold her hand or anything but I was able to put my hand on top of hers which was under the covers. Nanna has been heavily sedated because she goes into respiratory distress and then tries to remove the vent.  So they are keeping her sedated. But while I was reliving some of my favorite memories with her she opened her eyes and looked at me and then.....well the tears streamed down her face.  I was so worried that she was in pain but sister Rose assured me she was just reliving the memories with me. 

I was not allowed to stay long and parting was such a traumatic experience for me. I sat in the waiting room crying and crying.  I eventually made it to my car but I was a mess to say the least.  I found myself driving towards a small town I lived in for a couple of years called Benoni.  And when I looked again I was headed towards the bunny park.

Its a place I often went to in the afternoons after class and I do believe my first "real" kiss took place there too.  

I sat there for a while just trying to calm my mind and find a way to stop my heart from beating so fast.

Eventually I realised it was getting late so I hit the road again.  Just past the bunny park is one of my favorite streets in the whole world....

When I was studying I often took a walk in the late afternoon around this area sometimes with friends and sometimes alone but I always left Smith Street for last.  Because...

It has these amazing trees and when it rains well lets just there is nothing like walking down Smith street in the raining just singing away.

I wonder how often I got my heart broken under these trees in the park near Smith

Its now a gated community..

Taking a trip down memory lane did me the world of good so I got back on the road.  Only to find myself in tears a few kilometers later.

I decided that it was unsafe for me to drive so I pulled over at what used to be the Luna Plaza roadhouse back in the day.  It's still a road house and the chicken mayo toasted sandwiches with a chocolate shake are still pretty good.

Now that Madiba is on our money I joke that he bought me lunch....

Chicken mayo

Chocolate shake

I must say that the food and the time out gave me a chance to catch my breath and to really just check out for half an hour and just be..

On Sunday, we received a call from the hospital that we needed come urgently.  When we got there the dr recommended switching of the life support as nanna's condition was not improving at all.  Her son (my dad is her step son but she has been my nanna since I was 8 months old) did not want to make the call.  He wanted to transfer her to a bigger hospital and get a second opinion.  The roller coaster ride of emotions was just sickening.

Andre eventually decided to have the machines switched off this morning.  So I drove through early this morning and said my goodbyes.  When it was time the dr changed his mind and is now saying that with her body failing as quickly as it is, a natural death would be better and less painful for her.

So the roller coaster continues...I am not sure if I will go back to the hospital.  I guess in my mind and heart I have said goodbye and seeing her like that is very very traumatic for me.  

It's in God hands now and in His time...