My dad is still in the cardiac ICU unit and things are not looking so great at the moment.
He’s blood sugar levels dropped dramatically…..so much so that he could have gone into a diabetic coma and his heart would never have been able to handle that. When I spoke to him this morning he sounded a little better but he is not feeling like himself and that has led him to be a little on the depressed side. I can’t wait to get through a couple of hours of work so that I can go be with him.
Hearing him worry last night about whether he will walk out of the hospital was difficult for me to say the least but it got me thinking…..never a good thing. Thinking meant that I did not get much sleep last night because I had all these terrible thoughts running through my mind, thinks like:
I have no idea what to do if my dad passes away….who do you call, where do you start??? I frantically started looking at funeral homes and became so overwhelmed by the various options. I know that he wants to be cremated and we have discussed his decision at great lengths because my mom is not happy about it. So I know one thing but would he want a service and if so would he want the service held at the church he has been going to for 24 years??? Dad is Irish so should there be a wake instead of funeral or both??? What does a wake entail and is it something I should even consider? Google is a great tool but in the hands of a sleep deprived overwrought daughter it becomes a weapon of mass destruction.
In the stillness of the darkest time of night I sat straight up in my bed ignoring the cold winter air and thought what it would mean to lose my dad right now.
He would never walk me down the isle
He would never bounce a grandchild on his knee
He would not see if my mom decides to let the grey hair win the battle and go grey gracefully
He and my mom would not retire together
He would never have the opportunity to have his little house at the sea, go fishing every day
He and mom would never walk on the beach at sunset holding hands
He would never see another sunrise or sunset
He would never eat another steak
He would never play with his dogs
He would never see his friends
He would never finish his book
He would be no more….
I thought my heart would actually break from thinking about these things. The physically pain left me feeling nauseous and the hysterical cry left me wrung out and broken.
I am not ready to lose my dad, I am not ready to let him go and I am not strong enough to face the rest of my life without him. I know that sounds very dramatic but my inner drama queen was fully present when this was all happening so it was to be expected. I know the road ahead is going to be even more difficult that the one we have already travelled. I know that we will all have to sacrifice more and that changes will be made to accommodate him and his health. I know that I will shoulder more and more responsibility and my brother will take on more as well. I know that my family will rally and fight to keep him with us for as long as we possibly can no matter what the cost to ourselves. We are better with him than without…..
Eventually, when my tears had dried up and I had calmed down I realised that we are not out of options yet…not by a long shot and that I was getting head of myself. I was ending my dad’s life and who am I to do that!!! God will decided when that will happen and there is nothing I nor the doctors can do when that time comes but until then we fight, we stand strong and we pray.
What I did realise from my night of craziness was the following:
I CHOOSE to believe that God holds my dad and the rest of us in the palm of His hand
I CHOOSE to have faith in the power of prayer
I will always CHOOSE to celebrate my dad’s life and not his death……dad will die one day like all of us but that will be one day while he lived many many many more days. So I CHOOSE when the time comes to celebrate and honour every moment of his life
I CHOOSE to talk about what my dad wants when it comes to celebrating his life so that I will be able to honour his wishes. No matter how painful the conversations I want to respect his wishes and I can only do that if we talk about what those wishes are
I CHOOSE to know what comes next by CHOOSing to be informed about my dad’s diagnoses and prognosis and treatment
I CHOOSE to know what to do when the time comes when my dad passes and this is a completely selfish thing because I know that I am going to be numb and I am going to need to trust what I have CHOSEN to learn and research
I CHOOSE to fight for and on behalf of my dad when he is too weak to do so
I CHOOSE at 38 to remain a daddy’s girl because no one can ever love me the way my darra does!!!
I love my father as the stars -
he's a bright shining example
and a happy twinkling in my heart."