My dad is still in the cardiac ICU unit and things are not
looking so great at the moment.
He’s blood sugar levels dropped dramatically…..so much so
that he could have gone into a diabetic coma and his heart would never have
been able to handle that. When I spoke
to him this morning he sounded a little better but he is not feeling like himself
and that has led him to be a little on the depressed side. I can’t wait to get
through a couple of hours of work so that I can go be with him.
Hearing him worry last night about whether he will walk out
of the hospital was difficult for me to say the least but it got me thinking…..never
a good thing. Thinking meant that I did not get much sleep last night because I
had all these terrible thoughts running through my mind, thinks like:
I have no idea what to do if my dad passes away….who do you
call, where do you start??? I frantically started looking at funeral homes and
became so overwhelmed by the various options.
I know that he wants to be cremated and we have discussed his decision at
great lengths because my mom is not happy about it. So I know one thing but would he want a
service and if so would he want the service held at the church he has been
going to for 24 years??? Dad is Irish so
should there be a wake instead of funeral or both??? What does a wake entail
and is it something I should even consider? Google is a great tool but in the
hands of a sleep deprived overwrought daughter it becomes a weapon of mass
destruction.
In the stillness of the darkest time of night I sat straight
up in my bed ignoring the cold winter air and thought what it would mean to
lose my dad right now.
He would never walk me down the isle
He would never bounce a grandchild on his knee
He would not see if my mom decides to let the grey hair win
the battle and go grey gracefully
He and my mom would not retire together
He would never have the opportunity to have his little house
at the sea, go fishing every day
He and mom would never walk on the beach at sunset holding
hands
He would never see another sunrise or sunset
He would never eat another steak
He would never play with his dogs
He would never see his friends
He would never finish his book
He would be no more….
I thought my heart would actually break from thinking about
these things. The physically pain left
me feeling nauseous and the hysterical cry left me wrung out and broken.
I am not ready to lose my dad, I am not ready to let him go
and I am not strong enough to face the rest of my life without him. I know that sounds very dramatic but my inner
drama queen was fully present when this was all happening so it was to be
expected. I know the road ahead is going to be even more difficult that the one
we have already travelled. I know that
we will all have to sacrifice more and that changes will be made to accommodate
him and his health. I know that I will
shoulder more and more responsibility and my brother will take on more as
well. I know that my family will rally
and fight to keep him with us for as long as we possibly can no matter what the
cost to ourselves. We are better with
him than without…..
Eventually, when my tears had dried up and I had calmed down
I realised that we are not out of options yet…not by a long shot and that I was
getting head of myself. I was ending my
dad’s life and who am I to do that!!!
God will decided when that will happen and there is nothing I nor the
doctors can do when that time comes but until then we fight, we stand strong
and we pray.
What I did realise from my night of craziness was the
following:
I CHOOSE to believe that God holds my dad and the rest of us
in the palm of His hand
I CHOOSE to have faith in the power of prayer
I will always CHOOSE to celebrate my dad’s life and not his
death……dad will die one day like all of us but that will be one day while he lived
many many many more days. So I CHOOSE
when the time comes to celebrate and honour every moment of his life
I CHOOSE to talk about what my dad wants when it comes to
celebrating his life so that I will be able to honour his wishes. No matter how painful the conversations I
want to respect his wishes and I can only do that if we talk about what those
wishes are
I CHOOSE to know what comes next by CHOOSing to be informed
about my dad’s diagnoses and prognosis and treatment
I CHOOSE to know what to do when the time comes when my dad passes
and this is a completely selfish thing because I know that I am going to be
numb and I am going to need to trust what I have CHOSEN to learn and research
I CHOOSE to fight for and on behalf of my dad when he is too
weak to do so
I CHOOSE at 38 to remain a daddy’s girl because no one can
ever love me the way my darra does!!!
I love my father as the stars -
he's a bright shining example
and a happy twinkling in my heart."
~Terri Guillemets
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1 comment:
I can't imagine how hard this is for you, but I want you to know that I think you're SO strong.
My thoughts are with you.
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