CHOOSEDAY...

This song from Kelly Clarkson has been running through my head for days now. 

Do you have a dark side? For instance, do you ever harbor desires for revenge? Do you ever experience satisfaction from others' misfortune? Do you find yourself obsessed with one-upping your friends or colleagues? There are many other ways our dark sides leak out--lying, envy, cheating, gambling, various vices--and these tendencies can either get us in trouble or position us, somehow, for the better.

I think we all have two inner voices…there is the voice inside that tells us to be well behaved, to have morals and be an upstanding citizens but then there is the rebellious side.  The inner voice that tries to convince us to do all that is wrong, selfish and deviant.  

When I was growing up my mom always used to tell me that I had an angel on my one shoulder and a devil on the other and it was my choice who I listened to and therefore I was responsible and accountable for my actions and had to accept the consequences.

So the two voices are forever at war, each trying to win me over and I CHOOSE which side gains the upper hand.  If I listen to my dark side then I only have myself to blame. When faced with tough situations or CHOICES the fight becomes an inner struggle between good and evil.  I can’t blame my circumstances or use the situation as an excuse for my behaviour because the CHOICE is mine and if I make a bad CHOICE then I have succumbed to my dark side. 

If of course I CHOOSE to listen to the “angel” then I win because I win the battle over my own evil inclinations.  Either way the CHOICE is mine and I am responsible for my CHOICE.

There is an anonymous internet quote: “T’s only by spotting your shadow when you see the direction of the light.”  At the end of the day we are only human, in truth we are all here to evolve and we are in a process and the process involves cycling through various stages and there are milestones we need to achieve.

What is my dark side?  Well I am not sure,  is it the pile of emotions I have rejected or ignored?  Is it perhaps the situations and phobias that I have tried with all my might to forget? Is it what I hate most about myself or is it what I hate most in others?  Every time someone drives me nuts, is it because that person has managed to touch a very delicate part of my dark side? Is my dark side my general conception about ugliness??  I am overweight and I feel somehow guilty and rejected because of this, is this because the general opinion is that being overweight is something ugly?

We often what to deny and even fight our dark sides which to my mind makes you split your personality right down the middle between wrong and right. But that sounds like severe schizophrenia and you really can’t be mentally or spiritually split in two can you??

Could accepting our dark side be the answer?  Could accepting our dark side have advantages? It takes so much energy to fight our dark sides and if we stop then there will be surplus energy available for other things. . You can start to build on your shiny part if you want, because you have an extra energy pack. You don’t need to fight anymore, just by accepting that you are who you are, you will have access to a new source of personal power. 

You just took some horse power from your regular “I am not this person, I can’t be that bad” sentences that you say to yourself, and used in another part of your activity. 

If you do accept you have a dark side, you establish a starting point. Now I know: “I’m not only this respectable person, but I am also this shy and sad person who fears social contacts. So? This is me, and I know from where I start and to where I end. I established my whole territory now. You can accept me or not, but I know that I accepted myself, and that’s ok.”

Of course, in real life, is not that easy. You can’t just wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say to yourself: “ok, I do have a dark side, so ummmm have a nice day”. It takes courage and energy. It takes time also. And it takes more than one try, that’s for sure.

So where do we start with accepting our dark side?  I am not sure but for me right now it is identifying my reactions to the things I don’t like. I am trying to observe each situation I find myself in which has my emotions running crazy and then I try to give a name to the situation.  It is really difficult because emotions are like little pacman's eating up your energy. I am trying to learn to unpack situations which leave me dazed and confused so that I can analyse why I feel this way.

And that is kinda what started this whole process for me.  I currently find myself in a situation where I am battling to discern my motivations for the way I am reacting to a situation with a friend.  

The situation which I am not going to share right now sees me at loggerheads with her which is a very usual place for us. For the life of me I have not been able to figure out why I am having such a strong negative…to the point of physical aggressive reaction to the situation. So I have spent the last couple of days unpacking each and every emotion, running through every moment that has led to this one and I have taken the time to really work through my feelings and my reactions and it has been a labour intensive process.  

It has been work.  I have been wondering if my dark side had gotten the better of me, if jealousy and envy had reared their ugly heads, was I projecting my insecurities, was I allowing my dark side to persuade me that I was a bad friend, was I allowing my dark side to whisper words of rejection in my ear?

Well I am still in the process of sorting through it all but as I write this I truly believe that it is actually my “angel” that has lead me to this point, my “angel” which has guided my actions and reactions.  But as I said I am still gathering evidence and investigating my emotions and motivations.

All I know for sure is this: each one of us have a dark side, now don’t get me wrong I am not saying that Satan lives inside of you or anything like that.  We need to CHOOSE to accept that we have a dark side. Every day we make CHOICES and those CHOICES have consequences for which we are held accountable. I CHOOSE to understand that there are times when my dark side drives my CHOICES when I will make mistakes and not CHOOSE wisely but I also CHOOSE to forgive myself.

Harry Potter can't be wrong...can he???

Day twenty:  I am thankful for those who know my dark side and love me any way!!

Here are the words to Kelly’s song:

There's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away

Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
It can become
A few give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Don't run away
Don't run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay

Will you love me? ohh
Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?